It starts as it always does. You meet a cute girl and start hanging out together. She likes talking with you, she is laughing at your jokes, and you think that she might be into you, but you’re too afraid to make a move. Time goes by and you’re still only friends. Finally you decide that it’s now or never. You reveal your feelings. Then she delivers that oh-so-familiar line: “Let’s just be friends.”
Okay so friendship is great and all, but is not what you want from this pretty girl you can’t stop thinking about! Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened. Sometimes you feel afraid to make a move, because you already feel that you are already in the “Friend Zone.”
How to get out of the friend zone and why are the girls/guys you like always the ones that just want to be friends?
To escape the friend zone, you must first realize that all relationships involve negotiation – and you are attempting to “re-negotiate” the current exchange. Essentially, you want “more” from the other person. Most likely, you are already giving too much and what you really want is for them to balance the scales.
Fortunately, there are a few influence principles that do indeed balance the scales. Using those principles, we can devise a few steps to get you out of the friend zone:
1) Be Less Interested – The relationship is already imbalanced because you value it more than the other person. Take a step back. Being “needy” is no way to negotiate. Desperate people end up with what others give them, not what they want. So, be less interested and ready to walk away if you don’t get the relationship you want. Those who are more willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship.
2) Make Yourself Scarce – Spend some time away from your “friend” and do less for them. If they truly appreciate you, then your absence will make them miss you and want you more. This is the principle of “Scarcity” – where people value something more when it is rare or taken away from them. When you are no longer around as much or tending to their needs, they will most likely feel the loss. This will increase their desire for you and their willingness to meet your needs back. If it doesn’t, then they are just “not that into you”…and don’t value you. In that case, find another “friend”.
3) Create Some Competition – Go out and make some other “friends” of the sex you are attracted to. Broaden your social network. Then, talk about these new friends with the friend you desire. Competition is another great way to develop something more. People value more what they think they might lose. If you are “busy” with other people, you might just find your friend a bit more eager and motivated for your time and attention. If you don’t see any “jealousy” though, then they might not want to be “more than friends”. In that case, set your sights on someone new!
4) Get Them To Invest – Ask your friend to do things for you.
Contrary to popular belief, people like you more when they do favors for you, rather than when you do the favor for them.
The more they invest in the relationship, the more you will mean to them. So, stop doing favors…and start asking for them. Get them to give you a ride, study with you, fix something, etc. Heck, even asking them to get you a soda from the fridge has an impact!
5) Be Rewarding – Don’t forget to be grateful and reward your friend when they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back.
Being attentive and affectionate, only when they do what you like, encourages them to continue those behavior.
Also, ignoring them when they behave badly helps to reduce unwanted behavior. Always remember to keep an environment of mutual gratitude flowing too.