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I am Mental and I Don’t Mind

Losing pounds to low moods is all fun and games until you realize that you are missing out on ice-cream not because you cannot have it but because you have grown so averse to eating that anything you ingest, makes you feel excessively nauseated.

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So, you prefer not eating anything at all and instead decide to survive on fluids.

i dont mind

Living with schizoaffective disorder means you go through a similar struggle every now and then owing to depressive episodes. On the bright side, you can have a thigh-gap and get rid of stubborn thigh-fat through no effort of your own.

As nice as it is to socialize with people and spend time around your friends, sometimes all you need is serenity, time alone with your own thoughts and feelings. Social withdrawal gives you plentiful of time to reflect upon your ideas and connect with your inner-self. But it’s only pretty until you are in charge of your own mind and your inner voice. There are days when your voice no longer feels like it’s yours, days when it’s in a state of conflict with your conscience. On such days, the chaotic voices might over-power and even mute your own sound. When you are apparently calm but there’s a storm within you.

So violent, so dark that it consumes all the light within you.

i dont mind

On the bright side, there are days when your voices are in a perfect harmony with your soul and it feels like you have your own loyal tribe, voices that only you are familiar with and which are yours alone.

Sleepless nights are fun when spent over at a friend’s or while reading a book or binge-watching a season. The memories made are priceless, the associations built are oddly gratifying. Such nights have a dark side to them as well. Insomnia that leaves you staring at the ceiling for hours without even realizing that you are awake, the nightmares that leave you shivering in a restlessness that causes severe anxiety, accompanied by hypnotic jerks that awake you with a jolt followed by a headache and a sick feeling in the stomach. And what dominates all of this is an agonizing feeling of loneliness. Sadness, isolation, abandonment, and despair emanating from the pit of loneliness. A bottomless pit that when you look into it, you are blinded by the darkness and in that darkness, you feel incarcerated for eternity.

On the bright side, out of these lonely sleepless nights springs creativity, unequaled pieces whose greatness can never be paralleled, like “the starry nights” and “the scream”. Blame it on insomnia, delusions, hallucinations, depressive suicidal thoughts, because ‘normal’ could have never produced it.

Not sure if mentally ill or just differently blessed.

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It’s about time that we learn to accept the ones who have embraced their disorder like it’s nothing to be ashamed of and have learned to use it as a strength instead of feeling victimized by it. So, instead of pitying the ones struggling to make peace with it or demonizing those who try to normalize it, extend solidarity to them. Normalizing a disorder allows more people to come out and speak out on it like there’s nothing to hide. Like it’s not a flaw but a blessing (in disguise).

It helps them accept it and live with it better.

i dont mind

Learn to normalize the flaws because how can you be upset over something so universal that it’s possessed by everyone? Let’s make I am mental and I don’t mind our new mantra as everyone around is also a mental and the bright sides to it; are uniquely profound to the creative harmony of self awareness!

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