You think that something is wrong with you, but you’re too numb to do something about it
You have a gpa that keeps you from graduating. The last three months’ rent is still due. You’ve missed five deadlines for an assignment submission at school, a test due tomorrow and you never bothered checking what topic. You forgot to take your medicine. You don’t care about putting makeup anymore, or never bothered about makeup when it was in places on your face where it wasn’t supposed to be. You were too tired to make that fix.
Or were you?
You slept 12 hours every night this week.
You slept 4 hours the next. You ate twice in two hours today, not because you eat a lot. You don’t actually; you’ve been starving since the last two days because fear had paralyzed you. Fear of the unknown, and of all the possibility of only the absolutely wrong.
Your body aches.
It feels like you’ve been running marathons in the mornings and got hit by metal rods in each joint you own during the night. The bones feel crushed and the blood froze. And it’s not because you worked a lot/ You barely did actually; you’ve been lying in bed since last week.
You’ve been thinking about life and how even a single infinitesimal spec in the wide variety of the world fails to be of any interest to you. The living is seen by you as an unnecessary inconvenience because you find everything an inconvenience and you think everyone sees you as one too. Is taking life the answer to life? It does seem to lose meaning.
Before you start holding yourself accountable and internalize a label that degrades you in every way, remember: depression could be the culprit
- Your wakefulness or sleeping too much could be a symptom of depression
- Irritability, restlessness, and loss of interest in things once pleasurable could be a symptom of depression
- Overeating or appetite loss could be a symptom of depression
- Aches, pains, headaches, or cramps that won’t go away could be symptoms of depression
- Digestive problems that don’t get better, even with treatment could be a symptom of depression
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feeling and suicidal thoughts could be a symptom of depression
Its not you
its not them