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It’s Better To Have Few True Friends Than A Group Of Snakes

Look, you’re a grown up, you know how this works – at a certain point friendship isn’t about LIKING people, it’s just about being familiar with them. You know your role within the group, you perform it to the required level, and the world spins merrily on its axis. Introducing another element into this universe can contaminate the waters. There’s a very good reason why there weren’t two Chandlers in Friends (and it’s not just that their shared syntax would have BECOME almost unbearable).

You don’t have to invest in too many other people’s doomed relationships

If you take on a new friendship, you’re not just adding one extra person to your life, you’re adding a small tribe. Their other half, the other half after that one, perhaps a few more other halves, possibly some of their old friends “from home” (always weird, should be approached with caution). Save yourself the turmoil of having to constantly predict how many kisses someone will require as a greeting. Keep yourself to yourself.

There’s far less small talk ruining your life

Meeting new people means making more small talk and small talk is an awful thing to have to endure. All of that boring swapping of inoffensive information, while the blood drains from your face and you slowly die behind the eyes. In most cases it ends, not in friendship, but with one of you desperately looking around for another person to drag into the conversation so you can politely make a run for it. No one enjoys chit chat. No one. With the possible exception of hairdressers.

You also don’t have to spend so long listening to other people’s feelings

Following on from that, another issue that often arises when you’ve got “friends” is that they will want to confide in you – to take you on a detailed tour of their anxieties, their feelings, their insecurities, their ambitions. They will say things and look to you to react accordingly – perhaps with a little nod, or with a sigh, sometimes they will require a hug. It’s too much to ask. TOO MUCH!

 You don’t need to angst over bridesmaids/best men/godparents

Who should be Baby Abraham’s godmother? Who should be my best men out of Crinkles, Harry, Fabio, Robbo, Wheels, Boom Boom Shagger and Drake? I don’t know who to pick as my matron of honour out of the hockey team or the netball squad, or the cheerleaders, or the Territorial Army, or the Glee Club. You know who doesn’t have to endure these endless inner struggles? People with the same three friends their whole lives.

You won’t seem completely absurd on Facebook

As a general rule you shouldn’t trust anyone with more than 1000 friends on Facebook – it’s sociopathic. Look at the very basic maths of it – that means making a new friend every day for over three years, or a new one every other day for six years. Even a new one every few days for twelve years is completely barmy. A normal person should have no more than 300 Facebook friends, and only really, actually know nine of them.

You will actually get things done

Think about all of those things you keep meaning to do but can’t because friends keep popping over to be friendly to you, or inviting you out with them because they care about you, or introducing you to other people because they think you’re nice.

Think about all of the things you could do – like, you know, build an empire. Become the President even (always end with a political joke!).

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