Mixed Feelings – A Story of Being Used

Pleasure and Disgust ~ Intertwining Emotions

Trigger Warning: This article contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

You be the judge.

I can only narrate my story and how different events took place; how fate intertwined and destiny fell short and I was left… altogether helpless.

My story begins in the dreary morning of 7th November, 2010 when I was a mere 10 years old. I was unlike most children my age: more shy, awkward and of the introvert type; I tried my best to not grab attention and was always the backbencher and the silent one in the class. Alas, that wasn’t enough to stop from that taking place.

I try to smile but my body has forgotten how.

The clock struck 7:00am. I packed my bag and was about to leave for  school but it was then Rabiya Auntie arrived at our house. Seeing mom was out for work, I politely invited her in and made a cup of tea for her. “Mom, wouldn’t mind if I took a day off, would she?” I mumbled to myself as I served Rabiya Auntie some tea.

Before we continue let me talk a little about Rabiya Auntie. She had this aura, this vibe around her which made everyone just fall in love with her and I was no exception. Whenever she visited I wanted to leave all my work and just stare at my middle aged aunty who looked fresh out of her twenties, whose skin seemed as soft as cotton and as white as fresh snow. The resist to touch was irresistible but I kept myself in check.

“Childhood was the best thing ever” – Sure

“God, I wished I could have someone like her as my wife.” I dreamed thoughtfully. Never did I think I would retract my statement in mere seconds as it was then Auntie made her move.

She kissed me.

Albeit it was on the cheek, I jolted in surprise, “Uh-uh- A-Auntie. What are you doing?!” I meekly responded. “Shh now. All you need to do is follow my words” and Auntie grabbed me by my waist and put me on her lap and began to envelop me with love, love more than I needed, love more than I had wanted, love more than I should have seen.

I don’t remember exactly when, but mid-way I had closed my eyes because it was too much to see and feel at the same time. While a shiver of disgust ran through me a faint pleasure of delight was almost trying to come through which took my all to subside. Her skin was just so soft.

After an hour, the ritual ended and I was released from my chains. Naked I stood. Deprived of whatever little dignity I had and disgraced of shame that I had already so little of, given my age.

Auntie Rabiya silently and swiftly got dressed after which she saw herself out while I still stood there speechless as to what had happened.

I don’t know what to be ashamed of: the sin committed or the pleasure I received.

Time passed pretty quickly. I stood frozen, not moving an inch. It was only when Mom came back from work that time started again but not for me.

“Umair why didn-“ she could only gape at the stupendous sight of me standing butt naked in the middle of the guest room as pale as if I had seen a ghost. “What happened beta?” my mom inquired me urgently and quickly but to no avail. I still hadn’t understood what had happened.

The mere thought that my Auntie had used me was disgusting alone but when I started enjoying it mid-way.. Does that mean.. I wasn’t..? I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW.

So rather than letting my small brain think endlessly, I ask you.

Is this delight that I felt, wrong?

You be the judge.

You know, when a man is raped you never hear about what he was wearing ~  George Takes

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.