“Today I am going to do it. Today I am going to do it. Today I am going to do it.”
Okay, they lied about repeating something to yourself and it being helpful. Repeating what I had to do only makes me more nervous and even more fearful of HOW I was going to do it. Today was not going to be a good day.
I went about my usual routine, leaving the warm comfort of the bed for the unrelenting coldness of the washroom; I sat down on the toilet seat, which was surprisingly not so cold, and removed all excess of discomfort from my tummy but the anxiety and stress wouldn’t go away, staying right where they were gnawing the inside of my intestines. I then proceeded to brush my teeth and went for a quick bubble bath to feel a bit better. It didn’t help.
After coming out of the bathroom, I once more entered the warm embrace of my room and went to my cupboard to take out some clothes to wear. Minutes passed on end but I couldn’t decide what to wear so I decided to wear her favorite color: Purple.
After finding my best Purple shirt and a black dress pant to go with it I rolled my sleeves up to get the magic going but my ugly face came in the way of girls finding me gorgeous (sigh). I then put on some deodorant and a perfume to go with it, took a blob of wax and combed back my hair and finally wore the most formal of shoes I had that emitted a dignified air. I was now ready, albeit only physically.
I took leave from my house and lumbered my way to the gift shop. It was a… long walk.
When I finally reached my penultimate destination, I barely had any energy to open the door before even buying anything. It was a sudden push from a child that I was sent flying through the swinging doors of the shop. In embarrassment I got to my feet, whistling my doubts away and cleaning the dirt off my clothes then hurriedly travelled to, first, the flowers area and then the chocolate area, grabbed what I needed then ran to the counter, made the payments, forgot to take the change and receipt and I was out in no time running the rest of the way screaming in delight.
This sudden change of behavior had no reason to explain but I was all of sudden brimming with vitality and energy and I knew that if anyone was going to propose to this girl it was going to be me. Today on Valentine’s Day I was going to propose to the love of my life. Today I was going to do it. Today I was going to do it. Today was the day.
By the time I reached school, I was panting with exhaustion but that wasn’t going to stop me from talking to Patricia.
I made my way to the cafeteria, where she usually hung out at school but when I got there I stopped dead in my tracks. Seeing her, all of the energy vanished in an instant, all the confidence was fed to the hungry anxiety and dilemma. Everything just went numb and I just… I just couldn’t do it.
My breath was heard panting throughout the cafeteria but I hadn’t stopped because of shortness of breath.
Not because I was short of breath.
But because I was too scared to even say a single word while her lips enveloped those of another.